positive energy

people like to be around positive people.
right?
me, too.

and i want to be one of them.
i can be like that when im at a dinner party or something.
but on everyday basis?
IMPOSSIBLE!!

im such a difficult, negative person, to my partner's eyes.
or at least, that's how i think. ---and maybe hes started to think the same...

see? im already getting sending a negative vibe here!!
so now you know how i am.

but, i really WANT to be a positive person.
not to strangers or just friends.
but to my partner.

i want to smile, to be open-minded, generous, forgiving, easy-going and just.... warm to him.

Sorry...

Sorry, such a simple word, yet hard to say sometimes.
especially to someone so close.

my partner.
he is so nice to me.
nice but sometimes annoying, too.
and i say something more than necessary, and hurt his feelings.
as if im taking all my frustration out on him.
still, he is forgiving....most of the time.

how nice it would be, i wonder, if i could just say " im sorry", when i have to say the words.
and why its so hard for me to say that?
the worst thing is that this makes me feel im not a good person.
and i do not deserve him.
he can do better.
he deserves a better relationship.
and im making his life miserable.
all these thoughts come to my mind.

then why dont you just say "im sorry" ???
dont know.
its just hard.....

gratitude

but, the real objective of this blog is, find something i can be grateful for every day.
so, how about today?

i slept well, almost.
had a nice, healthy, simple breakfast.
met a good friend and chat over nice organic jasmine white tea and organic sugar free whole wheat berry muffin : )
cleaned the apartment and felt GOOD.
bought a pot of hyacinth and put by the window.
got a veggie/cheese grater at bed bath and beyond, which i had wanted to buy for so long.
went to a fabulous spanish tapas place with my partner and had fabulous dinner and wine.

well, it was weekend, so much more events than usual and much easier to think of things that i can be grateful for.
the real challenge will start on monday.
will i be able to find any every single day and go to bed mindful?

Time to Heal

positive thinking....

this idea seems to be overvalued in this culture.
yes, i have to admit that i admired it when i first encounter this "big smile"," look on the bright side" attitude.
just like food and wine in this country, things are so straight,uncomplicated, "bum!"
bookstores'shelves are filled with "self-help", books.
"be positive!", "turn the negative into positive",and "move on!"

but sometimes i feel tired when somebody asks me "how are you?' and i have to say" im fine" when im not really fine.

i lost a job a few days ago.
and i was told via e-mail.
a few days after i saw "up in the air"

mind you, it was a very nice, "appriciative" mail.
but i was shocked, and sad.
my friends tried to lighten me up, with all those "positiveness".
but i lost my confidence, lost some imcome source and im depressed.
as much as i appriciate my friends' positive "pep talk", i just cannot "click" my mind and move on.
i need some time to heal.

sometimes i wonder, can i just say, "no, im not doing well.". " im not really fine at all." ?
until, i restore the energy to "look on the bright side", and move on?
until then, can i be negative and wimpy ?
is being "loser" such a bad thing?